My Quest to Create a Home for my Soul on Earth
Like many of you, I have spent most of my life at war with my body. I didn’t like it. It seemed to make me a target as a child: for teasing, for abuse, for criticism from “well meaning” adults and from myself. I remember being 8 years old, sitting next to my mother in our Oldsmobile, and showing her how I wanted to cut off the fat from my belly. I can clearly see myself gathering the extra layer of skin with my fingers, holding it tightly and wishing I could just take a pair of scissors and cut it. I think my mother said something like, “wouldn’t that be nice”….This war escalated during adolescence, when I tried starving myself, which lead to binge eating, and to extreme disgust with this out of control thing that seemed to determine my ability to be loved and accepted by others. In adulthood, my body has served me by giving birth to two healthy children and by remaining healthy and able to perform all that I ask of it. Still, I have continued to exercise, diet, and push my body in an effort to look and feel lovable….
Some part of me, living down in the first or second chakra, knows that I am ready to really, truly, learn to live in my precious body: The place where all of my memories are stored as energy. The place where my vitality lives. I couldn’t write, think, move, or breathe without this amazingly efficient place that my soul calls home on Earth.
My body deserves love from me. I know this. My body needs to be accepted, felt, seen, and even celebrated. My body has been through hell, and she has survived and served me for over 50 years. It is time for me to take the journey inward, into her. How can I do this?? This blog is the beginning step of my quest. I intend to experiment with ways to create a comfortable home within that I will not feel like leaving. A home within that soothes and renews my entire being. My body, my home, my friend: I pledge to take a step toward you each day. I will share my creative experiments on this blog…and I invite anyone who would like to join me, to feel free to try these ideas along with me. Let’s see if we can find our way together. This could be fun!
Wow Audrey, that was not only beautiful written but very emotionally stirring. I too have suffered with self digust over my bodies too big this and to small that, cottage cheese thighs, thinning hair, etc. As women in this society with all it’s paper thin magazine/tv models and actresses/singers we have been handed an impossible model to compare ourselves to and yet we do, All the time! As I have gotten older I have begun to feel invisible to men. No longer a dewy fresh young maid or an attractive but older woman in my 30’s, 40’s, I find I now don’t even exist as a female. I’m viewed as old, spent, dried up, used up and irrelevant by them.
Our wold is so focused on beauty and perfection, it is wonder that more young girls aren’t bulemic or anorexic or suicidal than they are. And now the young men as well. Sad, very sad.
This is so insightful! and certainly makes one think of the thoughts we have had for so long and what we choose to do with them. I so wish you well on your quest. When you are ready, those steps will flow with grace. You deserve love and kindness to be given to you from you. It has been so fun to watch you grow and evolve over the years–I look forward to the continued evolution. Peace, comfort, and blessings to you…
Your words of wisdom bring light to my being…as I recognize myself in your story and my yearning to return to my creative practice, and the insight and pleasure and comfort, I know it can bring. Thank you for shining your light my way.
Up, Up and Away…
I’m right there with you. If you choose to resurrect this blog, I will follow you for clearly I also do not embrace all parts of myself and I am paying a very high price for that- no friends no life, no peace within. It’s a very hard way to way- so let the fun begin.