Defending The Vulnerable Parts

   I have often suspected that having a bigger body felt safe in some odd way. This is hard to understand from the point of view of one who wants to be accepted by others.  But when I speak from  the part of me who wants to keep others away, (see the SoulCollage(R) card  attached)  it makes sense to want to have some protective armour.  She was most likely created by my four or five year old self.  It was hard to be small and defenseless in my home.  I needed boundaries and protectors because I didn’t feel safe anywhere!  So it made sense to create a part of me who would keep out invaders. I remember being sent to stay with an aunt and uncle when I was around this age. I am not sure where my parents went, but I knew that I felt abandonned.  I think I have memories of this experience because I have a clear sensation of finding comfort in food during this time.  I can still taste my aunt’s pot roast, mashed potatoes. soft white bread and gravy.  I recall hearing my aunt and uncle remark that I had been eating alot for a little girl!  I had found a way to soothe my fears and my loneliness…food could fill the hole that I felt.  Food could also give me the largeness I needed to feel safe.
My challenge now,  as an adult who has lost the extra pounds of protection,  is  to convince this four year old that she is safe enough to let go of the need to be bigger and tougher than she is.  I know this isn’t going to be easy…somehow I need to get her to trust me enough to let down her guard and join me in the safe place I am trying to create inside. She will crave food until she can trust me.

The One Who Doesn't Trust Me

Even though I am loving creating this safe inner hearth for my Self, I sense that some parts of me are saying “Not so fast!” I feel the resistance in my neck.  It is stiff, knotted, and relentlessly reminding me that I am not so comfortable. Is there anger in there?  You bethca.  I think it is coming from the part of me I call, “my reptilian brain”.  She protects me from being vulnerable, open, and loving toward anyone, including and especially my Self.  She is all about survival and safety.  She says:  “I am one who guards you against any feelings of “softness” or “warmth”.  I am here to keep you strong, stoic, and on alert.  You willl not survive if you allow your self to relax into a goopy state of lethargy. You must be ready for fight or flight at a moment’s notice. ”  I don’t like this idea of becoming “comfortable” with your body.  You must maintain discipline and awareness of all that goes on outside of you.  What your body needs is protection on the outside, and toughness on the inside.
Whew! She is tough, and will not just “go away”.  How can I help her get on board with my quest?