Defending The Vulnerable Parts

   I have often suspected that having a bigger body felt safe in some odd way. This is hard to understand from the point of view of one who wants to be accepted by others.  But when I speak from  the part of me who wants to keep others away, (see the SoulCollage(R) card  attached)  it makes sense to want to have some protective armour.  She was most likely created by my four or five year old self.  It was hard to be small and defenseless in my home.  I needed boundaries and protectors because I didn’t feel safe anywhere!  So it made sense to create a part of me who would keep out invaders. I remember being sent to stay with an aunt and uncle when I was around this age. I am not sure where my parents went, but I knew that I felt abandonned.  I think I have memories of this experience because I have a clear sensation of finding comfort in food during this time.  I can still taste my aunt’s pot roast, mashed potatoes. soft white bread and gravy.  I recall hearing my aunt and uncle remark that I had been eating alot for a little girl!  I had found a way to soothe my fears and my loneliness…food could fill the hole that I felt.  Food could also give me the largeness I needed to feel safe.
My challenge now,  as an adult who has lost the extra pounds of protection,  is  to convince this four year old that she is safe enough to let go of the need to be bigger and tougher than she is.  I know this isn’t going to be easy…somehow I need to get her to trust me enough to let down her guard and join me in the safe place I am trying to create inside. She will crave food until she can trust me.
4 replies
  1. Julie Z
    Julie Z says:

    Slumping shoulders protected me, and it only intensified when I developed bossoms… more to protect, something to be embarrassed about! It takes lots of yoga to stand up straighter, being hunched over at the computer works against me. But the really best days are when I don’t even feel like I have to be tough, nothing is going to hurt me. Some of the best medicine for me is reading stuff by the Dali Lama. No insecurity there, no need to be strong either. Audrey, I didnt’ know about your stay(s?) with your aunt and uncle before. The upside is that your interest in food makes you a great cook!

  2. Audrey
    Audrey says:

    Ironic that standing up straight can cause one to feel vulnerable, but I do know the feeling….open, exposed, fully feminine.
    My stay with my aunt and uncle was not a regular thing, but I remember this vividly because of the discovery that food could be a comfort no matter where I was…

  3. Ginette
    Ginette says:

    Audrey, I’m so glad you are sharing about this stuff. Over the past year, I’ve released a lot of weight and intent on releasing much more. However, what I really need to release is the food addiction. I’ve developed strategies that work well yet I still very much have a food addiction. I like your awareness and perspective. You will find a way to convey this trust to your 4 year old self. I think you are well on your way. It inspires me. Thank you!
    I have a couple of blog posts on this somewhat similar issue and it includes a SoulCollage® card. If you are interested:

  4. Regina Golding
    Regina Golding says:

    What incredible blogs you write!!! And those photos are nothing less than spectacular. Do you take them? I’m impressed by what you have put together. Regina

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